The Truth about Lies and how to SPOT them
It’s amazing how people tell lies even when they don’t have to.
It’s almost instinct.
But it is instinct!
Because we have been trained to lie all our lives, especially in our formative years where we have observed adults telling lies all the time. These lies may have been small “white lies” but, never the less, they were lies and we learned to lie as a result.
When we were little people, we observed adults, our parents, guardians and others lie. We did not know they were lies and so we learned that was okay.
In those formative years we may have heard Daddy telling Mammy that she was not fat; when it was obvious she was.
We may have observed Daddy telling Mammy that dinner was beautiful yet behind her back he was grimacing with disgust.
We may have heard Mammy tell Daddy that she had no money but, only 10 minutes before hand, you saw her put ten pounds into her purse.
Then as you grow a little more you engage with your friend Tommy who tells you he’s not coming out to play because he is sick and so you go home disappointed. Then you look out the window and Tommy is out playing with John who you don’t like.
You realise that lies are hurtful.
As you grow even older you ask Mary, who you really like, to go for a walk with you and she tells you that she can’t because she’s going shopping with her Mom and later you find that she was out with Paddy.
At this point you see almost everyone telling lies whether it’s hurtful or not.
He told me that liars always hurt other people’s feelings and they always get caught.
I did take his advice and have lived a life where I don’t tell lies or, should I say, I am very aware when I do.
We tell lies all the time and we teach our young to tell lies as outlined.
The main problem about lies is where does the “white lie” move into the “grey lie” and on into the “black lie”
The lie has a natural progression, unless we are fully aware of the fact that we are telling lies and why we have a need to lie.
How does it happen?
We start with the “white lie” to avoid confrontation with others where we cannot deal with the truth and we don’t want to be challenged. Also we do this to avoid hurting other people’s feelings because we cannot face up to being truthful with that person.
The problem with telling lies is that lies lead to more lies and even more lies.
You have to remember the first lie, so you can engineer the next stream of lies so we don’t get caught. This is where most of us fail as we find it difficult to remember lies.
It’s easier to remember the truth.
We then are sometimes questioned about what we have said: The lie!
Then we then have to tell more lies to protect ourselves and keep from getting caught, which leads into more sinister lies and before we know it, we are telling lies even when we don’t have to.
It becomes a habit. A way of coping in our life where we cannot look at the truth.
So along the journey of the lie telling, we can easily become compulsive liars where we just lie and lie and cannot help ourselves because we cannot be truthful to ourselves or others and cannot face our own real truth.
There is a saying, once a liar always a liar, and this is somewhat true. True because the human coping mechanism of that individual is to survive by telling lies.
Using Lies as a Coping Mechanism.
Take a look at these examples:
Our friend asks us to go to the movies on Thursday. We say we would love to do that. Deep down we know full well we don’t want to go to the movies with that friend and so we lie to give us time to find an excuse not to go.
We then tell more lies in order to break the news gently and not to hurt their feelings because we still need them to be our friend. So we say that we are babysitting for a sick nephew and can’t go.
A week later the friend asks about your sick nephew and you have to lie again to avoid embarrassment or you forget you told the lie and so you get caught.
In the compulsive lie stage we lie to everyone. We lie to our parents, partners, siblings, friends, work colleagues.
We tell our family and friends we will spend time with them even though we have no intentions of doing so. We do this to keep them on the hook because we have an emotional need for them as they bring some kind of support to our lives. So we hold on to them; making false promises so we keep the connection.
We use people and manipulate them through our lies having no regard for their feelings or the fact that we are hurting them.
People who tell lies always trip themselves up.
It can be very hurtful when you are on the other side of the lie as you feel betrayed and hurt by the lies been told to you.
It’s interesting as in the early stage of the relationship with the liar you actually don’t believe the other person is telling lies. Well, you can’t accept that they would lie to you.
Then as the lies keep flowing you begin to realise that it has all been lies for various reasons.
Yes it is hurtful.
I have studied deception, lies and body language for a number of years. I can spot the liar a mile away. However when my emotion is involved, I become like most other people and it takes me a while to see past the emotion and what is happening.
I kick myself every time because I know better.
The body cannot lie whilst the brain can lie at will. But every time the brain conjures a lie the body reacts.
So if you pay attention to the body behaviour of the other person you will be able to spot the lie.
Deception can be detected by Behaviour clusters. In other words. Two or three behaviours combined.
Ten Tips on Detecting Lies and Deception
#1 Change in breath to heavy breathing, shoulders rise and voice becomes shallow.
#2 Sudden head movements, such as jerked back, bowed down, or cocked or tilted to the side when asking a direct question.
#3 People fidget when they get nervous, but you should also watch out for people who are not moving at all.
It is natural when speaking to move your body around in subtle, relaxed, and, unconscious movements. But when observe a rigid, catatonic stance devoid of movement, it is often a huge warning sign.
#4 Repetition words and phrases.
This is a ploy to convince you, and themselves, of a story being told. “Basically they are trying to validate the lie in their mind.”
The repetition is also a way to buy more time.
#5 A person will automatically put their hands over their mouth when they don’t want to deal with an issue or answer a question.
When adults put their hands over their lips, it means they aren’t revealing everything, and they just don’t want to tell the truth.
#6 People who are telling lies generally attempt to cover vulnerable parts of the body such as the throat, chest, head, or abdomen.
#7 When people lie, it’s common that they break eye contact, but the liar could go the extra mile to maintain eye contact in attempt to control and manipulate you. But then they
overcompensated and stared at people longer than usual, often without blinking.
#8 Liars will use a cold, steady gaze to intimidate and control.
#9 Liars become hostile or defensive, in an attempt to turn the tables. When that fails the liar will turn to emotional blackmail, becoming upset and saying such things as “I can’t believe you think I’m lying” or “I’m so upset that you disbelieve me”. Remember the liar has no remorse only manipulation.
#10 The liar will always exaggerate the story. It’s almost impossible for them to lie without qualification. They will go on and on about what they are telling lies about.
Overcompensating on the Lies
Mary says to Peter “would you like to have a beer after work” Peter replies “I can’t Mary, I’m going to the movies with my little brother, I promised him weeks ago I’d bring him and he’s so looking forward to seeing this movie, he’s been talking about it all week, he really loves going to the movies with me”.
A simple “I can’t tonight” would have been more truthful.
Lies hurt people.
Sometimes we may need to tell a lie, but become aware of the potential damage it can do to you and others.
When you do, you will find you lie less.